Well, hello there! (Big, deeply warm hug)
Ugh, 2024 is underway, we are at the end of January, and I am off my game. I need to restart in order to manage my Complex-PTSD. Over Christmas break, I stopped being consistent with my routine. I stopped taking my pills, I stopped eating a healthy diet, I stopped reading my Bible and, because of an injury, I haven’t been working out as much or as hard. All of these things are part of my self-care routine. These are the activities I do and actions I take to keep myself in my window of tolerance. The problem is that after a week or two of not doing these things, I felt totally fine. So, I said to myself, “Evangeline, you’re doing great. Maybe you don’t need as many things in place to stay within your window of tolerance.”
But now...I Am Feeling It.
This sort of internal struggle with myself is not my first rodeo. I’ve stopped taking my medication before. Each time I made this decision I eventually felt terrible. I can say this about my diet, my Bible study, my prayer life, flossing my teeth – basically everything. The sure sign that I am not functioning well is the little spots of blood at the corners of my fingernails. These spots appear when I have bitten my fingernails down to little stubs and they are now crying out for help.
In my book, Calling Him Trusted, I mention how my grafted dad, Michael, encourages people to stay on course with reading the Bible and trusting Jesus. When someone strayed off course, Michael would say, “Master the restart.” I like to apply “master the restart” to everything in my life; I find it normalizes failure, helping me to fight shame.
So, today I am implementing the restart in order to manage my Complex-PTSD and take care of myself. I just took my morning pills. When I’m done writing, I’m headed straight upstairs to brush my teeth, then worship and do my Bible study.
If you periodically find yourself in a similar place, restart. I am choosing to restart by reengaging in several things, but please remember that I have been practicing the restart for a long time. If today you are going to restart and it feels hard, just pick one thing and start there.
Throughout this last month of abandoning all things good for me, I have also abandoned the prayer routine I do in the morning that grounds my intimate relationship with God. This routine of prayer sets me up for connection with God and helps me to keep that connection all day.
Anyways…this morning when I woke up, I reached over to my night stand to grab my visual for this prayer and it wasn’t there. I immediately felt lonely. We were created to be in relationship with God. He wants relationship with us, and the beautiful thing about God’s love and goodness is that He doesn’t hold it against us when we abandon Him for a while. Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross has given us freedom to ghost God and return like a prodigal to a Father ready to receive us with open arms!
If you sit in shame over abandoning things that are good for you, you will not be able to restart. There is no room for shame in a relationship with God. Restart. The Holy Spirit already knows what’s going on in you, why you abandoned your good things in the first place. He groans for you and God is waiting for you to run to Him so that He can be a strong refuge.
Romans 8:26-27 says, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”
Is there anything in your life you'd like to restart? If so, I'd love to hear about it in the comments below!
Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life and have life abundantly” (John 10:10b).
I hope you have a safe place to sleep tonight and a full belly. Praying for your mental health.
-Evangeline
For more on developing a relationship with Jesus while Living with C-PTSD, grab your copy of, Calling Him Trusted, Evangeline’s first book!
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