Well, hello there! (Big, deeply warm hug)
Lets talk about 5 basic needs when leaving an abusive relationship. In my case severing all connections was the only way to break away from my abusive situation. I wasn’t strong enough or educated enough on boundary setting, and my young husband wasn’t knowledgeable enough to understand the cycle of abuse, the nature of trauma bonds, and the destruction that comes with unhealthy, deep-rooted family ties. So, to break the cycle I needed to break all connections and ties. At one point in my life, for a very short time, this meant living on welfare.
A few years into our marriage I began my teaching career. I was making about $40,000 for the year and felt I could finally stand on my own two feet. So, while my husband was working full-time on his Phd I signed a teaching contract that paid me for 9 months. I opted out of getting paid over 12 months because I figured we could use the higher income during the school year and in the summer I could get a summer job. However, I became pregnant right before the school year started and forgot all about my contract. We saved only a little over that 9 months so when summer hit we didn’t have enough money for me to buy a breast pump in order to get a summer job and still feed my baby. I was in panic mode. No matter what, I knew I would need a breast pump to go back to work in the fall. A friend of mine suggested I apply for welfare. She told me that my teacher's salary was considered “under the poverty line” so I should qualify for something. I was devastated. I had grown up on welfare and based on bad memories, never wanted to be a part of it again. My husband on the other hand, who had never been part of the system, thought we had won the lottery. He validated our need for the system by saying, “We have been paying into this system through our taxes. This is exactly what this system is for.” I applied and within two weeks we were receiving food stamps, I was given a breast pump and several other resources. I was too ashamed to use the food stamps so my husband, feeling no shame at all, did all our grocery shopping and swiped that food stamp card like he was awarded free credits at Chuck E Cheese. We used the food stamps and the breast pump and forfeited the other resources because we had enough money saved to pay our rent and bills.
At the end of that summer, after I received my first August paycheck, despite my husband's disappointment, I closed our welfare account and haven’t needed it since.
To get as far as I had in life at that point I had already been supported and loved by so many people that I didn’t want to ask for help again. And I knew that going to my biological family for help would send me backward and not forward in life. I also knew that reconnecting in some of those relationships could suck me back into the unhealthy ways of living.
Security in basic needs, like a roof over your head, food, water, and hygiene, will help to keep you from being tempted to go back to your abuser. Below are 5 basic needs to establish when leaving an abusive relationship. These 5 needs may be something you reencounter multiple times on your journey to establishing a safe home for you and your kids. Unlike me, don’t be ashamed to use these resources. These things can be the blessing God is using to get you on your feet!
5 Basic Needs When Leaving An Abusive Relationship
Secure a short-term roof over your head.
For some, this will mean staying at a friend's house, getting a job in an environment where they house their workers, or moving back in with their parents. For others, this will mean going to a women's/men’s homeless shelter, finding a safe house for abuse victims, or entering a rehab program.
2. Go to your local welfare office and apply for Welfare.
The reality of this can be very humbling for some people. However, it's important to remember that if you don’t get stable help, the temptation to go back to your abuser will be ever-present. Many people assume that those on welfare don’t work, however, there is a huge population in the United States called the working poor. These are people who work full time and still fall under the poverty line. In situations like this, a person's income, food, rent, or physical needs (clothing, backpacks, hygiene products, etc.) can be supplemented through this system. So, whether you need the system for all of your needs or some of your needs, for a short stent or a long time, consider applying for welfare to stabilize your home to keep moving forward. Because reader, that is what you're doing…establishing a safe home for you and your children. Welfare, when used correctly can be the help you need to establish a home!
3. Establish a consistent food source or multiple food sources
There will come a time when you will move into a long-term housing situation. This means extra unforeseen costs. Even if you move into long-term government housing (apartments or properties owned by the government) you will need start-up money for basics like towels, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, etc. When that time comes it will be a relief to have an already established source of cheap or free food. Here are a few ideas:
Food stamps, EBT card
Pro Tip: If you’re worried about the side eye, judgmental looks, or condescending conversation when paying with food stamps, order online and pick up your groceries in the parking lot. Ordering online will help you stick to your list, saving money so it's a win-win.
WIC (Women, Infants, and Children)
If you don’t qualify for food stamps (or even if you do qualify for food stamps), your child/children may still qualify for WIC. WIC is a food program designed for children ages 4 and under (depending on your state's regulations). WIC provides an allotted amount of food funds to the child. You may have seen WIC stickers on food tags at the store. This means, if your child has WIC you can purchase that item with those funds. In my state funds are uploaded to an app or put onto an EBT card, which is used like a credit card.
Word on the street
The more resources you look into the more you will hear of other resources. You of course want to make sure that your word on the street resources are legal. I can’t write about illegal resources, but I do have my own story about resources.
When I was young, my dad would take my siblings and me to “grocery shop” in someone’s backyard. We would line up against the fence alongside other families and wait expectantly for a white van, packed with expired food, to show up and unload onto plastic foldout tables.
Once all the food was laid out, organized with bread in one area, meats in another, and desserts in another, my dad would assign us each a task. To my sister, “grab two breads.” To my brother, “Do you see that chocolate cake, with the sprinkles? Grab that one.” Then, to me, “Look to see if any of the lunch meat is good.”
The organizer of the most likely illegal situation would yell “Go ahead” and we would all move quickly to get what we needed. When all was said and done, we would walk away with food, priced as we could afford, and a dessert to look forward to.
Food Pantries
There are government-organized food pantries, and privately organized food pantries (churches, nonprofits, etc.). If your family needs food and one pantry doesn’t provide enough, hit up another pantry. If you have growing boys you know that one bag of food per kid might work for your young daughter, but will not be enough for your growing teenage boy.
4. Gather your resources.
Often, the welfare office, WIC office, homeless shelters, churches in your area, and other facilities will hand you a list of resources in your area. Resources can include housing, personal hygiene needs, food, activities and childcare for kids, pro Bono lawyers, etc. One resource or phone call about a resource can often lead to the next resource or the next pro tip on how to establish a safe home for yourself and your children. Gather any and every resource you can to give yourself the best shot at success.
5. Transportation
When leaving an abusive situation you may or may not have a car. And if you have a car, you may or may not have enough money for gas. Consider the following options for getting around:
Figure out the bus, subway, or light-rail system in your area and buy an annual pass.
Bike ride
Walk
Ask a friend for a ride
Sometimes there are government-funded forms of transportation. For example, the short-term housing situation you are in may provide money or stipends toward Uber rides. Ask to make sure you don’t miss out on opportunities like these.
*note: all States function within different sanctions, systems and guidelines. Consult with your local agencies to determine what is offered in your area.
You have a God who created you, knows you and loves you. You are a daughter of the king. With Him there is hope, healing and wholeness. Life.
Psalm 34:5 says, “Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.”
I hope you have a safe place to sleep tonight and a full belly. Praying for your mental health.
-Evangeline
For more on developing a relationship with Jesus while Living with C-PTSD, grab your copy of Evangeline’s first book, Calling Him Trusted.
To hear more from Evangeline, click the button below and scroll down to the bottom of the page.
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